i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
