; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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