just tell him i said nine months
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize