What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
