I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
