she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
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You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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