I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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