Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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