Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you traded sex for a burrito?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
