I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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