I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Enjoy the penises
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
