She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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