I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
