My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
