You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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