When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
