I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
