How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
