So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you made out with another girl for some wings
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
