I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
