Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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