Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
