Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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