speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
