Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
