Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
