Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
