new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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