idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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