There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
