my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
