Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
