I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
