I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize