I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
