Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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