so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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