I think my vagina is haunted
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
