Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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