i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
