just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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