First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
