i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Do vagina's smell?
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The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
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Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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