sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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