Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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