i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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