And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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