If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
