I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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