I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
