The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
