I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
