The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
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Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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