I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
