Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
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He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
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If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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